Welcome to my life <3
Hi! It's my deepest pleasure to have you here! Make sure to make yourself comfortable. This is only the beginning... (of the most random-ish journal you'll ever read).
Hey! Here's the soundtrack for this post!
Today I’m starting a 75-day challenge. It’s pretty much like that famous 75-day hard thing. But for me, is quite different and important because I’m not doing it only for me but because of a certain special someone up there that needs me to finally endorse all the values of my own identity. So, yeah. A lot of people usually do this type of challenge to reach physical goals. A lot of people usually do it for the trend. A lot of people usually do it for their mental health.
My case is more like the last one. I’m doing this to finally become disciplined. Obedient. Focused. To create the momentum, I needed to stick (again) to an obedient behavior that will let me acknowledge my responsibilities, my routines and my habits more efficiently.
I don’t know if this kind of thing happens to someone —even thought I think I heard it had a name, so if it has a name, then someone actually has lived it too— but I’m the type of person that can push herself beyond comprehension when it comes to dedicate to one single thing. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to exalt myself with this, no. I know I’m talented, intelligent, very very responsible, and acknowledging that is part of the purpose of this post. I’m the kind of person that’s capable of doing all it takes to get an assignment done. And, well, if I’m not focused, if my attention gets all over the place… I tend to procrastinate. To let the heaviness of the daily life weight heavy on me and push me down. In simpler words, I could have the plan traced out in front of me but, if I’m not focused enough, I become ineffective.
When I was in school, I learnt to be dedicated. I pushed myself hard to be the best student in my class. I woke up early to study over and over again the lessons, so my test would excel at every possible way. Physics? Nailed. Maths? Nailed. Spanish? Nailed. Art? Nailed. Biology? Nailed (even though I was far from liking Biology, actually). I was a really good student even through college. The score of my grades never changed. I did my best till the last day and beyond. And since then, I worked in the industry for almost three years before I quit for good. I had the most flexible job ever, I was well paid for it, but mentally I was far from stable. Over that time, I found out I was lost. And the worst thing is not to be lost, because when you live in an airplane mode, doing things in a way you don’t know you don’t even want to do, you don’t question it because you simply don’t see what’s wrong yet, right? I really hope I explained myself properly hehe.
It took a couple of leaps of faith and wreck nerving decisions to get done. I picked myself over everything. Over a salary, over comfortableness, over “rational” decisions for a young adult. Big shoutout here to my parents. I’m extremely grateful to have people that love me and support me no matter what, and when I say I’ve been blessed to have them as my family, to have their company through all my decisions, even when they make no sense to them, I’m really really meaning it.
Then, after quitting and deciding to dedicate the next year to solemnly work on my relationship with God to build a really strong foundation of who I wanted to be while trying to keep going through life itself —I found out there was a lot of work to do to even get started, and beyond feelings I had never experienced getting too overwhelming, recognizing anxiety as an emotion wandering around my headquarters1, a list of family traumas to heal from and the self-imposed pressure of figuring it all put and not keep “wasting time”, well… I was left with the mere sense of faith and a hint of self-love that kept me put together just enough to not lose my mind in the process.
Between those years, most of the time I felt like stuck in one of those garden labyrinths (very much like the one from Alice in Wonderland mixed with the one from The Goblet of Fire), where there was no sign shining bright hanging around with an arrow and the word “exit” signaling me the way out. I was stressing out constantly because I tried so hard to search for the answers through all the possibilities of way outs I could came up to. Getting a master's degree, changing career, interning abroad, getting a job, learning a new hobby, becoming an athlete… I kept running and walking and tripping inside the maze that was my mind. And let me tell you— my anxiety was not liking that very much.
And is weird, you know? Trying to let go and let God do his thing but having been an anxious overthinker for so many years gives you some kind of weird complexion about instinctually trying to figure the next thing out by yourself. The only thing you want is to rush to the other side of the spectrum, to where your dream live awaits with open arms for you, not actually to get the hard work done, right? Yeah… It’s not an easy habit to recover from. Specially if you are used to “get in the mood” in order to get things done type of people. If you are used to procrastinate not because you don’t want to do it, but because you are afraid of failing or making mistakes that are going to cost you more than you can afford (mentally, physically, financially —applies to all of them).
And, sadly, that was me. Too afraid of my own capabilities for my own sake. Why? Well, where those traumas came from is certainly something I’m still trying to figure out, but in the meanwhile is more important to me to overcome them, to finally get my hands dirty and act to become myself. In between all those years, just as I found out I had lost all sense of discipline and purpose as well as my passion to do creative stuff, I rejoined truthfully this time with the best treasure of my life (God, Jesus and all the Heavenly love from above, but that’s a whole beautiful chapter on its own) and because of that, finally got to do what I always wanted the most: to love and to know myself the most the best that I could, in the most genuine way possible.
I know I’m not fully there yet. But here I am. Showing up, pushing, trying, standing firm on this truth by being the most disciplined I can. Obedient and responsible by getting things done while going all the way up step by step and knowing beforehand that I have to be ready to push the fears and insecurities aside for when there’s tripping, falling, running or even jumping written down in the chapters of the story. Because it’s inevitable to live all of those at some point —without them, there wouldn’t be any story tell. Now that I’ve kind of sorted that out (thanks to the Holy Spirit) the only thing I want to do is gave all that I’ve got to live by the most genuine version of myself —and walking the way is only one way to find out how.
Anyways, I guess I already talked enough for today. Thank you for reaching the end. I hope that sharing my journey with you gets to remind you that you are not the only one struggling to figure life out —especially if you are in your early twenties. That is normal to feel lost over and over again while handling things on your own. That is normal to have a slow-paced story of becoming yourself. That even though there’s thousands of people with their lives all traced down, there’s not two of you existing in this world. And the only way to live like you, is to live the things you need to live in the way only you can live. Never compare your story, for it is as unique as you.
Just know for a fact that you are not alone. God is with you at all times, and his everlasting love lives within you, and is more than enough to make you strong to overcome anything even when you feel you are losing all the battles.
Trust me, it will pass. You are going to find the exit. Not hanging in the walls of the labyrinth. But shining bright up in the sky. You just gotta stop looking down and start looking up.
I’m truthfully glad to have you here.
Wholeheartedly,
Carolina
PD: Yes, I know. I sometimes talk a lot.
winks at Inside Out reference
WARNING: This journal can contain soft tangential speech appearances all of a sudden.